Hell on Earth

Today (or should I say yesterday and today since it is past midnight) I've wanted to do nothing but kick and scream. I am tired of this nightmare I'm living in. In a nutshell this has been what's going on.  My mother had a medical set back in late October. During her recovery, she filed for divorce from my father and moved out. At times this all feels like more than I can bare. I have so many questions but there are no answers. My mother continually shuts me out. This causes me great hurt. This hurt builds up and turns to anger so when we do talk it gets ugly. I take blame for the ugly part these days. However, imagine the hurt if your mother wouldn't even tell you where she lives or didn't even tell you she was filing for divorce. I know I have to learn new coping mechanisms. I've also been fighting for better treatment for her and my parents' marriage. I'm trying to stop fighting her battles. But then I listen to the despair in my fathers voice each day and it tears me a part. My mother and father have always adored each other.   Wow, just typing all of this brings me to tears. I cannot believe this is my life. My family life has spiraled out of control over the past two months. If you would have told me on October 19 that all of this would have happened I would have called you a liar. I use to talk to my mom daily about the most insignificant stuff like what I was having for dinner and now I have no clue what is going on. Everything about my mom has changed like the flick of a light switch. And nothing about this nightmare ever gets better. It only gets worse. That first week was easy street compared to the weeks that have followed. 

What's the point of sharing this? It certainly isn't to air my dirty laundry. In fact, I've been doing a lot of blogging but not publishing. I've been scared of the backlash. But you know what, this is what is happening in my life right now. This is my journey in life and that's what this blog is about. I pray that I look back a year from now and can't believe we went through all of this. I pray for healing all around. I pray this isn't the end to my parents' marriage. I pray we celebrate their 34 wedding anniversary next year. Most of all, I pray we survive this mess. My dependency on God has significantly increased and I am thankful for that. Because although my parents are not the same, the God I serve never changes.  

Christmas Cards, Invites and Prints

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Conversing with God

Lord, I didn't ask Psalm 26:2 for my life. I am being tested and tried and I did not ask for it. You see there must be a mistake. I signed up for the easy track. You know the one where only these type things happen to other people. My form must have gotten mixed up with someone else's. It's ok though. You can fix it real quick and everything will be ok. Alright? 

What do you mean you never promised me an easy track? It's been pretty easy so far. Sure there have been bumps along the road but I've been able to take care of those bumps. What's that? Yes, I realize I said I've been able to handle them. That's what I do. I'm a problem solver. I have a career in the hospitality industry. I was born to solve problems. But now I can't fix this one. I can't get through to the one who needs to be fixed.  Wait, wait, wait a minute! You want me to step back and surrender my control to you, Lord? Do you really know what you're asking of me? Of course your ways are greater than mine but you can use me to solve the problem. I don't mind at all.  In fact, I want to help. 

I don't understand you when you say you don't need my help. Of course you do because this impacts my life and so many others. I need to have some of the reigns.  

Alright, I will try to listen. I will lay it all at your feet. Please forgive me when I try to pick it back up. I want to honor you. After all, you do know what's best.

 Lord, I want to let you know that most of the times things don't go right if I'm not in control. I've seen things come crashing down too many times without me. That's right you are the Alpha and Omega. So I'm laying it at your feet once again. Asking you Father to bless this situation. Sharpen us Lord. Let us grow in you.  Let us glorify you. Change heavy and stubborn hearts because if anyone can do that it is you.  Help me not to correlate my hope and joyfulness with the outcome of this situation or how it plays out in the process. My hope is in you. My strength is in you. 

Update

When I began Project 28, I never could have imagined the trials that were going to be a part of my path. This past month has been tough. It has without a doubt been the hardest thing I've ever been through. Having a sick parent is painful. There has been a lot of ups and downs but mostly downs. My whole world has been shakened.  Some days it has been a real challenge to find something to give thanks for. While other days, I've been overwhelmed by God's great blessings for my life. God knew what He was doing though when He gave me this idea on my 28th birthday to find something new to give thanks for everyday. He knew of the trials ahead and knew I needed to focus on the good and the blessings in my life. As I told a co-worker who sent me an encouraging text the other day, I've always been the glass is half empty type of girl. It is time for me to focus on the fullness. Although it has been challenging at times to look for new things to be thankful for, this trial has also given or shown me new things.  For example:

Day 43- the ability to take everything to God in prayer

Day 48- God's design of marriage. I'm so thankful to have a helper in this crazy thing called life. 

Day 64- The promise of brighter days ahead. 

Day 67- Comforting words 

Before I end this post, I must thank my incredible support system. God is so amazing how he has put some many people in my life right now that are able to relate and have opened up their loving arms to me. You all deserve more than just one day of thanks. 

So there it is folks. Here's your update on Project 28. Until next time.  

What a Difference a Week Makes

Wow. Last week was a doozy. There is nothing more stressful than having a very sick loved one and nothing you can do to help (except lay it in God's hands). I don't want to go into details about what happened out of respect for my family. But the reason for this post is to express my overwhelming gratitude for the AMAZING and BEST support system anyone could ever ask for. I never knew how truly loved and cared for I was until last week. All the prayers, kind words and continuous texts and phone calls held me together when I felt like I was going to crumble apart. Great things happen when you have a network of people praying for you and great things have. I am beyond blessed to be so cared for and to have friends who pray for each other. So if you sent a text, made a call or said a prayer last week for my family and me, THANK YOU.

And thank you Lord for carrying me through and giving me so many amazing friends. God is so good and faithful.

Project 28

Tuesday was my 28th birthday. I previously shared some of my anxiety about getting older. I'm relieved to say that my anxiety is now gone. I woke up an hour early on my birthday. Our air conditioner was out on our entire main floor. Since it was 81 degrees at bedtime the night before, I decided to sleep on an air mattress in the bonus room because we have a separate unit upstairs. I surprisingly had an overall great night’s sleep but awoke to an aching back (that part was not a surprise).  I went downstairs to get ready and prepare for my 12 hour workday ahead. I decided I was going to use some of my extra time to meditate. I'm not very good at meditating. My mind tends to wonder very quickly and often. I decided I would try to focus my prayers on all my blessings over the 28 years of my life and not so much my requests. I praised God for so many loved ones and named them individually. I gave God all the glory for my successes and where I am in life. When I was finished praying, the phrase smell the roses came to mind. I then thought, there's no need of worrying about what the future holds or what it is going to look like but I need to stop and smell the roses every day. I just imagined how much fuller my life would feel if I consciously took time to look for something new to be thankful for. I've decided to do just that. I'm going to thank God for something new and different for each day of my 28th year on earth. I am going to share them on here as well. I know it's going to be hard to post everyday and I certainly don't want to bore my surprisingly growing followers to tears. However, I do plan to journal something every day and share my list periodically.  I'm beyond excited now about being 28. It's funny how quickly your prospective can change. I know one day I will look back and laugh at myself for my fear of getting older when I was only 28. For those who know me well, you know I'm not a naturally positive person.  It is going to take some effort and disciple on my part to focus on the blessings.  I hope in this year that I can change the way I see the world. I also hope that my relationship with God will deepen and that my praises do nothing but glorify His name.

Funny thing after I decided on doing this, a friend posted this on Instagram. I'm hoping project 28 will do just that.

Also, my devotion on day 2 was this. I think God is reaffirming with me that this is a good plan.

And here's my items of thankfulness so far…
1.  All the love I was surrounded with on my birthday.
2. This gorgeous sunset. This sunset actually gave me chills. It's beyond humbling to me to know that the God that created the universe loves me.

3.  A supportive group of family and friends that prays for me. 

Another Crazy Fall

Oh I wish I could say I am looking forward to fall but just thinking about the next couple of months brings me nothing but anxiety. I have a full plate. I realize having a full plate means I have a lot to be thankful for. I have a job where I am in demand. However, just looking at my schedule gives me an ulcer. No kidding, I really think I’ve developed a stomach ulcer. When I think about my upcoming week this week makes me want to run to my momma’s house. You know because running to your momma’s house means no responsibilities and no real worries. First off, this work week is going to be like 60 hours! And it is my birthday. Doesn’t that sound like a lot of fun? Oh my birthday…. That brings another load of anxiety to me. If I skip the presents and cake can I skip getting older? It’s a deal so don’t worry about writing on my Facebook wall on Tuesday because I am skipping it this year. I do not know why I am having such a hard time as I inch closer and closer to the big 3-0, especially when my friends who have already reached that milestone birthday take it in stride and make it look not so bad after all. Each year just goes faster than the one before. I need things to sllllooooowwwww down a little. I cannot believe how fast the months fly by.

I am also very grateful that in the midst of my crazy fall schedule that we have some really fun things planned.  In ten days (if I survive hosting Business After Hours and a football team) we leave for the beach.  And just not to any beach. I am going to my happy, happy, happy place which is Saint Simons Island, Georgia. I must keep my eye on the goal. I am so excited that our friends Trina and Marshall will be joining us. While we are there Trina will turn 30 (which adds to my own anxiety about getting older but this is the part where I am supposed to focus on the positive… ha ha). We are also planning to attend the UT vs. Auburn game in November. Plus my best friend is getting married at the end of this month. I cannot wait! I must keep focused on all the good and exciting stuff and not how overwhelming and almost impossible my schedule seems. I would appreciate any prayers and support.