Thank you to all those who have shared their stories with me.
The Roller Coaster Continues
This roller coaster that I’m on has more twist and turns,
highs and lows than any other imaginable. I wish the stupid ride would just
stop. I’ve grown a lot through the highs and lows. A lot of great stuff has
happened lately but there are moments when the lows try to trump all the good.
Take two weeks ago for instance. It had been a great week both
professionally and personally. Then I receive a text from home in Alabama and
it does something to me. I know I need to just let it go and push those
feelings aside but as I am thinking this I am calling that number. The next
thing I know, I am in a fit of range. Words and her actions have attacked my
core once again and I’m attacking back. I’m spewing out words, crying
hysterically and snorting up snot all the while, I am frantically walking
through my house getting ready to host an executive committee meeting. Sadly
this is not the first time this has happened. I think I’ve mastered the act of
“getting it together” after a meltdown and before an important event. That’s
the funny part. I can be poised and pleasant around everyone in the entire
world except this one person. She knows where to go and she goes for it. I on
the other hand, know how to conduct myself and know what I am supposed to do
but no matter what the worst in me comes out. How can someone bring out the
absolute worst about you? You see I know all the right things to say not just
to people but also about my walk with Christ. Let’s be really real…. sometimes
Christians just pick up the lingo without picking up the real meaning of our
words. I really have done a lot of growing the last few weeks and truly felt
some of those right things to say. I’ve made tremendous strides. I really am
thankful for the heartache because of the growth I’ve experienced. I place a
high value on my greater dependence on God. Yet, I can say and feel that but I
spew words like I am Satan himself and I’m not brining any glory to God during
these moments. How do I make it stop? Should I just stop talking to my mom? Yes,
I said my mom. I don’t understand how the woman that gave me life can bring out
the worst in me. I never imagined the hurt she would cause and the anger that
would explode within me. How do I stop this nasty cycle? The only way I see is
to stop talking to her a while. But when is that deemed suitable? The most
peace I’ve experienced is when I am not in contact with her. I know what light
this puts me in. However, I just want to be real. Life cannot always be seen
through rose colored glasses and sometimes we can’t even pretend. As much as I
would like to say that now I get it. Now I have a plan. Now I can hold myself
together. I don’t get it. I don’t have a plan. And as much as I would like to
hold myself together, my track record is not promising. I don’t have an
important message in all of this except for the acknowledgement that I do not
have it all together. I am not always that girl you see at the boardroom table.
And my not so proud moments give me another reason to be thankful for God’s
grace and mercy. Without it I would just be the girl that knows all the right
things to say and feel but would have no one to wipe me clean when I fall into
the dirty pit of despair.
Move Over the Millers
CBS debuted a new sitcom this fall called “The Millers.” It
was an immediate new favorite of mine. The sitcom is about two grown children
whose parents divorce. It’s very ironic to me that this is now one of my
favorite shows because this sitcom is living out a funnier and friendlier
version of the nightmare I am living through.
My parents will be divorced soon. WOW! It still stops me in
my tracks. It can’t be my life. No, my parents loved and adored each other. They were also best friends. Suddenly this
all changed without any warning. I’m still recovering from the shock that my
mother moved out and filed for divorce without any warning and no explanation.
There was no phone call, no text, and no visit. I bawled my eyes out watching “Parenthood”
last week. Yes, I know I watch way too much TV. One of the couples sat their
small children down to tell them that daddy was moving out because they fought
too much. Boy, did that hit a little too close to home! The foundation of the battles
(fights are too civil for what we’ve been having) I’ve been having with my
mother all go back to the fact that this has all happened without any warning. Imagine
calling home on a Sunday evening after a trip and ask to talk to mom before you
run into the grocery for a recipe and be told by your dad that she’s moved out.
Each time I bring this up to my mom, I am told her divorce doesn’t concern me
or that it has no effect on me. No effect! Are you serious? Obviously her
parents are still married. Now my parents will reside at two different places.
My childhood home now is missing my mother. This impacts everything: birth of
future children, birthdays, holidays, every day life and you can’t forget
funerals. I want to kick and scream that
this is not fair. I can’t help but feel like my life has been a complete lie. Just
on my birthday in September, my mother posted on Facebook that the greatest men
to ever walk this earth were my father and G. How can I not feel like my life
has been lie? How can something change so drastically within a person without a
warning sign to anyone? I am told this feeling like your life was a lie is a natural
reaction for adults whose parents are divorcing. But enough of that. I’ve done pretty well at
focusing on the good in my life but I still have moments such as now when I want
to wallow in all the hurt.
God has been gently reminding me that I’ve depended on my
parents too strongly for too long. My dependence should lie within Him. But it
has been so easy to rely on my fleshly father when he is right there and always
there. It’s been a spiritual battle within me as I realize that only my
Heavenly Father can make it all right. He can wipe away this hurt and anger
that I have and use it for His glory. I just need to work towards getting
there.
Looking Back
Remember when I wrote this last
year? I hate to say I was right but boy was I right. 2013, you were indeed not
a “lucky” year as I suspected. However, when I was reflecting back and flipping
through photos of this year, I see you were pretty kind until October. October
21 to be exact but I promise to try not to focus too much on the last 67 days. I
want this posting to be a recap of all the great things that happened the other
298 days. If you remember, I also wrote this in September
about how this year (meaning my 28th year on earth) would be the
year of focusing on the blessings in my life. So yes, enough with the bad. Let
me make room to reflect on all the good.
1.
We moved AGAIN! Yes, call us crazy. In short
summary, we received a notice in January that a 300+ unit apartment complex was
going to be built in our backyard. We loved our home and had been in it exactly
one year but we did not want that many neighbors behind us. We decided to stick
a for sale sign in the yard to see what happened. Well we sold our house in 13
days. We found our new home in which we love even more.
2.
2013 was the year of weddings. Three of my
closest friends got married. Lara married in April and I was honored to serve
as her wedding coordinator. Rachel married in June and I was honored to serve
her as one of her wedding photographers. Then Andrea married in September and I
was honored to serve as her matron of honor.
3.
My childhood dog Missy came to live with us in
June. We thought Missy’s time was coming to an end so my dad brought her to me
this summer for me to take to my brother-in-law who is a vet. Well wouldn’t you
know it a week here with me with some baby aspirin as prescribed by Michael was
all she needed to be back to her ole self. Sweet Missy turned 16 in October. I
absolutely love having her with me again.
4.
Greyson and I did a lot of fun stuff this year. We
celebrated our third wedding anniversary with our friends, Andrea and Steve at
Lairdland Farms, where we got married. We also went to the beach twice this
summer. Once with his family to Pawley’s Island, SC and once to Saint Simons,
GA with our friends, Trina and Marshall. We were able to celebrate Trina’s 30th
birthday while we were there. This fall we went to a University of Tennessee
vs. Auburn football game in Knoxville. This was the first time our teams ever faced
each other since we’ve known one another. We had a great time (expect for all
the walking but that’s another story) especially since Auburn won.
5.
Professionally it has been a great year. I
exceeded all of my sales goals for the year. I also had the privilege of
serving on the Chamber of Commerce’s Business Women’s Council again and
Murfreesboro Young Professionals as Director of Membership/ Chair- Elect.
These things and
all the other great things that happened are the things I want to remember
about 2013. Am I sad to see 2013 go after my time of reflection? Heck no. You
still can go and don’t let the door hit you on the way out. However, I do hope
that in years to come when I am reflecting back on this year that these things
come to mind long before the memories of the heartache.
Speaking of NYE.
How about a blast from New Year’s Past. Looking forward to carrying on the
tradition another year.
How Did We Go from the Manger to Madness?
I've been dreading the holidays, particularly Christmas this year. I first threatened that I wasn't putting up a single Christmas decoration. Then I decided I needed the distraction of decorating and entertaining this year. I've stated to wonder why it seems even more painful to be going through stuff during the holidays than any other time of the year. I think it is because we set all these expectations for ourselves and feel all this pressure to have the perfect holiday. When in fact, we live in a far from perfect world where no perfect day or season exists. No matter how great your mantle or tree may look, you have neighbors hungry or hurting. There are family members who are not with us again this year. There's illnesses, divorce, poverty and so much more robbing us all of that perfect holiday we think everyone else is having. And we can't be left out by having a far from perfect Christmas. Besides songs tell us it is the most wonderful time of the year. And how could we not feel left out thanks to everything from Christmas commercials to everyone's overly joyous Facebook posts!
Sure your Elf on the
Shelf has done some funny things this year. But how much time did you spend
setting up your elf’s shenanigans and then take the perfect picture and then
lastly upload it to every social media outlet? But really who am I to judge? I
just spent days (ok really a month) planning the perfect Christmas party for my
girlfriends. Why? I had to overcompensate that my entire family wouldn’t be
together on Christmas day. This party had to make up for my less than perfect
Christmas I have planned with one parent instead of two.
How in the world did
we go from such humble beginnings of this holiday in a manger to all this madness?
Our Savior was born in a stable surrounded by animals and all the “gifts” that
come with barn animals. And He did it for you and me. And how do we commemorate
this glorious day and seasons as Christians? We stress ourselves out to the max
to take the perfect picture for the perfect Christmas card. The most thoughtful
gifts must be purchased for everyone we know and stuffed in the cutest gift bag
imaginable. We have to plan the perfect menu for the perfect party. And let’s
not forget we have to attend 1,001 Christmas parties. Our Christmas decorations
must be grander each year. We can’t be the only house on our street without a
blowup Santa and every bush has to be adorned with lights. Our Christmas tree
has to be filled with all color coordinated ornaments that match every other
Christmas decoration in the house. And why do we do all of this? To have the
perfect Christmas! Everything else in our lives should be perfect as well.
There’s no room for heartache on Christmas. If the Joneses are having a great and
over the top Christmas then I should be too. Those are the expectations we've
set for ourselves.
So how do we get
back to what’s important? How do we take the pressure off of ourselves to not
be like everyone else? How do we make this season hurt a little less when we
are enduring so much heartache? I think for me it is to truly acknowledge that
nothing is perfect and can be perfect. The word really shouldn't be in our vocabulary.
I pray that over the
next week I place my focus on the manger. My hope is to have a grateful heart
because even in the midst of this far from easy holiday, I still have countless
blessings. First and foremost, I serve a God who sent His only son to this
imperfect world to save me from my imperfections and the imperfections of this
world. And that in and of itself is a lot to focus on and to be thankful for.
So if you see me start to have a pity party this week or try to over compensate and start planning the "perfect" Christmas dinner, make me re-read this
post. Help me refocus if needed and send me back to the manger.
Much love to you all
and Merry Christmas!
Stopped. Me. In. My. Tracks.
Lord, I pray I am teachable and even in the midst of this storm I praise your name.
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