Just What I Needed

All excerpts are from Jesus Calling.

Just Being Real

Before you begin reading, I apologize for being vague about a current situation. For the good of everyone involved it is best I not speak about this through a public forum. The purpose of this blog post is for me to record my thoughts and try to process everything. I also just want to be real. If you personally know me, please feel free to reach out to me and I will fill you in. Thanks in advance for your understanding.

I've never questioned where God was in a situation. That is until yesterday. To be completely honest, I've judged those who have questioned where God was in a traumatic situation. No matter how harsh the situation, I still judged.

I don't know why I judged. I guess I've never been able to relate. No matter how bad something was I always felt His presence. Again, that was until yesterday.

I wouldn't dare say I've lived a pain free life. I've lost loved ones and I've had a lot of things not go exactly as planned. But until yesterday, I have never felt so empty. I've never felt a deep sense of hopelessness.

But then again, most trials I have faced have somewhat been in my control. My obstacles have been ones I could "manage" on my own. Before writing this, I don't think I realized that. I also think my pain here on earth hasn't struck as hard or as close to my heart as it did yesterday.

As soon as I got the call, I thought I know how others feel. This situation is 100% out of my control. This is not going anything like I had hoped and prayed for. I felt hopeless I questioned how this could be God's will. I've heard of "unanswered" prayers but this situation seemed like a no brainier. There was no way God could have a better plan and that is why He didn't answer my prayer the way I had hoped. The cost was too high. The sacrifice was too big.

After moments (actually hours) of despair, I told God that I knew this thing had the power to overcome me. I lifted up all of my concerns, hopes and fears. I told Jesus as much as it pained me, I was laying it all at His feet.

I read in Jesus Calling several days ago that we are to thank God for His decisions and outcomes in advance. For several days, I had been doing that. But I doubt I would have been doing so if I had known this would be the outcome.

In that moment in my despair, God starting asking me why I wanted to be in control of it all. Did He not know what is best? He created this world yet I thought I knew better.

I know often times you have to actively choose to see God. I have a feeling that I have many hard lessons ahead of me about trust and control.

So here's to me just being real. And thanks to a friend for posting this earlier today.

Looking Back: 2012 in Pictures

Welcomed the New Year in Phenix City, AL with Ashley, David, Trina, Marshall, and Alex.

Bought our first home in January.
March was full of birthdays and weddings.
Isaiah & Evelyn's birthday party
Joseph & Breanne's wedding

Brant & Megan's wedding

Spent some time with both of my great-nephews in April.
Celebrated John's 7th birthday with a party in the park in May.

Spent a week at the amazing house with the Painter family in Pawleys Island in June. 

Celebrated Memorial Day and the 4th of July at the Painter's pool.

Went on a much needed and overdue girls' trip to Birmingham in July.

We went to Cookeville in August for Greyson to play in a memorial tournament for his former college coach.
In September, the two of us went to Saint Simons Island.
Joint Birthday Party with Trina.
Elizabeth & Ryan's wedding in September.

David's Surprise 30th Birthday in Chattanooga.
Volunteered at Wine Around the Square with ZTA in September for breast cancer awareness and research.
MTSU's Homecoming in October.
MYP's Brewsboro  to benefit United Way in October.
Dad and Keith's birthday in October.
Auburn vs. Vanderbilt Game.
Thanksgiving in Culleoka with the Stokes Family.

Christmas at the Painter's.

And we ended the year just like we started with great friends welcoming the New Year.