Before you begin reading, I apologize for being vague about a current situation. For the good of everyone involved it is best I not speak about this through a public forum. The purpose of this blog post is for me to record my thoughts and try to process everything. I also just want to be real. If you personally know me, please feel free to reach out to me and I will fill you in. Thanks in advance for your understanding.
I've never questioned where God was in a situation. That is until yesterday. To be completely honest, I've judged those who have questioned where God was in a traumatic situation. No matter how harsh the situation, I still judged.
I don't know why I judged. I guess I've never been able to relate. No matter how bad something was I always felt His presence. Again, that was until yesterday.
I wouldn't dare say I've lived a pain free life. I've lost loved ones and I've had a lot of things not go exactly as planned. But until yesterday, I have never felt so empty. I've never felt a deep sense of hopelessness.
But then again, most trials I have faced have somewhat been in my control. My obstacles have been ones I could "manage" on my own. Before writing this, I don't think I realized that. I also think my pain here on earth hasn't struck as hard or as close to my heart as it did yesterday.
As soon as I got the call, I thought I know how others feel. This situation is 100% out of my control. This is not going anything like I had hoped and prayed for. I felt hopeless I questioned how this could be God's will. I've heard of "unanswered" prayers but this situation seemed like a no brainier. There was no way God could have a better plan and that is why He didn't answer my prayer the way I had hoped. The cost was too high. The sacrifice was too big.
After moments (actually hours) of despair, I told God that I knew this thing had the power to overcome me. I lifted up all of my concerns, hopes and fears. I told Jesus as much as it pained me, I was laying it all at His feet.
I read in Jesus Calling several days ago that we are to thank God for His decisions and outcomes in advance. For several days, I had been doing that. But I doubt I would have been doing so if I had known this would be the outcome.
In that moment in my despair, God starting asking me why I wanted to be in control of it all. Did He not know what is best? He created this world yet I thought I knew better.
I know often times you have to actively choose to see God. I have a feeling that I have many hard lessons ahead of me about trust and control.
So here's to me just being real. And thanks to a friend for posting this earlier today.