Trust

I always thought I trusted God. Why would I not and how could I not? I recently I realized that was not the case.

After some encouraging from one friend and a good kick in the butt from another, I decided to start seeing a counselor the Friday before Mother's Day. It took a lot of swallowing of my pride to acknowledge I needed help dealing with my mother's breakdown and my parents' divorce. It was the best six hours and money I have ever spent. I’ve always been an advocate of counseling but after six sessions, I told my counselor that I would be happy to become the poster child for her. I knew it would help but I did not realize how it would drastically change the way my anxious mind saw the world. Since essentially I was recovering from a traumatic event, I participated in EMDR therapy. When my counselor starting talking about helping me think in a clear way, I thought oh no… she’s a quack. She thinks she can hypnotize this control freak….. That. Ain’t. Happening. Well I was happy to learn that EMDR does not involve hypnotizing me. Basically EMDR uses things to stimulate the brain because research has proven over and over again that the brain heals quicker from a traumatic event when it is stimulated in a different way. The method used for me was I held little vibrators that buzzed back and forth in my hands…. It sounds hilarious. I realize this. I use to tell my friends I was off to hold my vibrators. But kid you not, this stuff works. In six short sessions, I became a new and improved Amy. Does what happened still hurt? Heck yes! But the anxiety that was crippling me is gone. I went from not sleeping and not being able to concentrate to sleeping like a baby and becoming my focused ole self.

It was during one of my therapy sessions that I realized my trust in God was not as grand as I once thought. All I could think about was all the unknowns. Will mom and I ever have a healthy relationship again? Will dad be ok? What’s dad’s future going to look like? What’s my future going to look like? These thoughts and my anxiety consumed every ounce of me.  I finally realized in order to have peace back in my life, I had to increase my trust in God.  And turn it over to Him to make it right again. It was like during the midst of this tragedy I forgot what kind of God I served. I serve the God that no matter what has all the unknowns taken care of. No matter how ugly or hurtful everything was at times, that He would see me through. In the end everything would be ok. There is no greater source of comfort or peace. The God of the universe has it all under HIS control.

July 2 Jesus Calling

Disciple your thoughts to trust Me as I work My ways in your life. Pray about everything and then leave the outcome to Me. Do not fear My will, for through it I accomplished what is best for you. Take a deep breath and dive into the depths of my absolute trust.

July 5 Jesus Calling

Whenever you start to feel anxious, remind yourself that your security rests in Me alone, and I am totally trustworthy. You will never be in control of your life circumstances, but you can relax and trust in My control. Instead of thriving for a predictable, safe lifestyle, seek to know Me in greater depth.

Happy Anniversary

This week G and I will celebrate four years of marriage. It is so hard to believe. I guess we are no longer newlyweds nor have we been for a while. I can honestly say I still look back on our wedding day and say it was the best day of my life.... Hopefully G feels the same way, ha. I will never forget the energy, the love and the fun of that day.  I wish I could go back in time and soak it all in.

Oddly enough, my parents divorce has had many relationships in my life stronger and that includes the one with my husband. G has seen me at my absolute worst several times over the last seven months. Yet he has stood beside me in every sense of the word. I cannot imagine him being more patient, understanding and supportive. For that, I am upmost grateful and have found a whole new respect and love for him. I am also determined to protect our marriage at whatever the cost. I never want to take the easy road when things get hard. Life isn't rainbows and butterflies. It is hard.  Marriage is hard. It is also one of the greatest blessings in life but like anything you have to work at it. I'm so thankful for God designing us for a partnership with our mate. I cannot imagine life without a partner after having one for four years.  There is no one else in this world that I would want to walk step by step in this roller coaster of a life than my G. Thank you for being the most patient man on earth and loving me for me. 

I Want to See the SON Even When It Rains

I had an ah ha moment tonight as Oprah would say. So many times lately I've focused on how different my life will look once my parents divorce and all the stuff I will be missing out on. I also think about my relationship with my mom and how drastic it has changed. I allow myself to question if I'm the person she sees me as. 

But then tonight I began to think about all the amazing friends I have.  They love me for me.  The Amy that can be controlling, has to eat every so often, can be a neat freak and a slob, can sleep all day and has to have things a certain way. Yet they still choose to love me. They opted to spend time with me. They take every opportunity to encourage me, to support me, to guide me and to love me. So many people would die to have those friendships. And I have them. Those are the relationships that are going to have my focus. 

This year is supposed to be the year I focus on my blessings. As you may remember, for my birthday in September I began a gratitude journal and started writing down something new to be thankful for each and every day. Sometimes I'm not going to lie, I really have to search a little too long for something to be thankful for because the day has been so crummy. I want to change that. I want to continue to see the SON (Son of God) even when it rains. I truly want to train my thoughts to think of all that I have instead of all that I'm lacking. 

So hold me accountable friends. 

The Roller Coaster Continues

This roller coaster that I’m on has more twist and turns, highs and lows than any other imaginable. I wish the stupid ride would just stop. I’ve grown a lot through the highs and lows. A lot of great stuff has happened lately but there are moments when the lows try to trump all the good. Take two weeks ago for instance. It had been a great week both professionally and personally. Then I receive a text from home in Alabama and it does something to me. I know I need to just let it go and push those feelings aside but as I am thinking this I am calling that number. The next thing I know, I am in a fit of range. Words and her actions have attacked my core once again and I’m attacking back. I’m spewing out words, crying hysterically and snorting up snot all the while, I am frantically walking through my house getting ready to host an executive committee meeting. Sadly this is not the first time this has happened. I think I’ve mastered the act of “getting it together” after a meltdown and before an important event. That’s the funny part. I can be poised and pleasant around everyone in the entire world except this one person. She knows where to go and she goes for it. I on the other hand, know how to conduct myself and know what I am supposed to do but no matter what the worst in me comes out. How can someone bring out the absolute worst about you? You see I know all the right things to say not just to people but also about my walk with Christ. Let’s be really real…. sometimes Christians just pick up the lingo without picking up the real meaning of our words. I really have done a lot of growing the last few weeks and truly felt some of those right things to say. I’ve made tremendous strides. I really am thankful for the heartache because of the growth I’ve experienced. I place a high value on my greater dependence on God. Yet, I can say and feel that but I spew words like I am Satan himself and I’m not brining any glory to God during these moments. How do I make it stop? Should I just stop talking to my mom? Yes, I said my mom. I don’t understand how the woman that gave me life can bring out the worst in me. I never imagined the hurt she would cause and the anger that would explode within me. How do I stop this nasty cycle? The only way I see is to stop talking to her a while. But when is that deemed suitable? The most peace I’ve experienced is when I am not in contact with her. I know what light this puts me in. However, I just want to be real. Life cannot always be seen through rose colored glasses and sometimes we can’t even pretend. As much as I would like to say that now I get it. Now I have a plan. Now I can hold myself together. I don’t get it. I don’t have a plan. And as much as I would like to hold myself together, my track record is not promising. I don’t have an important message in all of this except for the acknowledgement that I do not have it all together. I am not always that girl you see at the boardroom table. And my not so proud moments give me another reason to be thankful for God’s grace and mercy. Without it I would just be the girl that knows all the right things to say and feel but would have no one to wipe me clean when I fall into the dirty pit of despair.

Move Over the Millers

CBS debuted a new sitcom this fall called “The Millers.” It was an immediate new favorite of mine. The sitcom is about two grown children whose parents divorce. It’s very ironic to me that this is now one of my favorite shows because this sitcom is living out a funnier and friendlier version of the nightmare I am living through.

 

My parents will be divorced soon. WOW! It still stops me in my tracks. It can’t be my life. No, my parents loved and adored each other.  They were also best friends. Suddenly this all changed without any warning. I’m still recovering from the shock that my mother moved out and filed for divorce without any warning and no explanation. There was no phone call, no text, and no visit. I bawled my eyes out watching “Parenthood” last week. Yes, I know I watch way too much TV. One of the couples sat their small children down to tell them that daddy was moving out because they fought too much. Boy, did that hit a little too close to home! The foundation of the battles (fights are too civil for what we’ve been having) I’ve been having with my mother all go back to the fact that this has all happened without any warning. Imagine calling home on a Sunday evening after a trip and ask to talk to mom before you run into the grocery for a recipe and be told by your dad that she’s moved out. Each time I bring this up to my mom, I am told her divorce doesn’t concern me or that it has no effect on me. No effect! Are you serious? Obviously her parents are still married. Now my parents will reside at two different places. My childhood home now is missing my mother. This impacts everything: birth of future children, birthdays, holidays, every day life and you can’t forget funerals.  I want to kick and scream that this is not fair. I can’t help but feel like my life has been a complete lie. Just on my birthday in September, my mother posted on Facebook that the greatest men to ever walk this earth were my father and G. How can I not feel like my life has been lie? How can something change so drastically within a person without a warning sign to anyone? I am told this feeling like your life was a lie is a natural reaction for adults whose parents are divorcing.  But enough of that. I’ve done pretty well at focusing on the good in my life but I still have moments such as now when I want to wallow in all the hurt.

God has been gently reminding me that I’ve depended on my parents too strongly for too long. My dependence should lie within Him. But it has been so easy to rely on my fleshly father when he is right there and always there. It’s been a spiritual battle within me as I realize that only my Heavenly Father can make it all right. He can wipe away this hurt and anger that I have and use it for His glory. I just need to work towards getting there.

How Did We Go from the Manger to Madness?

I've been dreading the holidays, particularly Christmas this year. I first threatened that I wasn't putting up a single Christmas decoration. Then I decided I needed the distraction of decorating and entertaining this year.  I've stated to wonder why it seems even more painful to be going through stuff during the holidays than any other time of the year. I think it is because we set all these expectations for ourselves and feel all this pressure to have the perfect holiday. When in fact, we live in a far from perfect world where no perfect day or season exists. No matter how great your mantle or tree may look, you have neighbors hungry or hurting. There are family members who are not with us again this year. There's illnesses, divorce, poverty and so much more robbing us all of that perfect holiday we think everyone else is having.  And we can't be left out by having a far from perfect Christmas. Besides songs tell us it is the most wonderful time of the year. And how could we not feel left out thanks to everything from Christmas commercials to everyone's overly joyous Facebook posts! 

 

Sure your Elf on the Shelf has done some funny things this year. But how much time did you spend setting up your elf’s shenanigans and then take the perfect picture and then lastly upload it to every social media outlet? But really who am I to judge? I just spent days (ok really a month) planning the perfect Christmas party for my girlfriends. Why? I had to overcompensate that my entire family wouldn’t be together on Christmas day. This party had to make up for my less than perfect Christmas I have planned with one parent instead of two.
 

How in the world did we go from such humble beginnings of this holiday in a manger to all this madness? Our Savior was born in a stable surrounded by animals and all the “gifts” that come with barn animals. And He did it for you and me. And how do we commemorate this glorious day and seasons as Christians? We stress ourselves out to the max to take the perfect picture for the perfect Christmas card. The most thoughtful gifts must be purchased for everyone we know and stuffed in the cutest gift bag imaginable. We have to plan the perfect menu for the perfect party. And let’s not forget we have to attend 1,001 Christmas parties. Our Christmas decorations must be grander each year. We can’t be the only house on our street without a blowup Santa and every bush has to be adorned with lights. Our Christmas tree has to be filled with all color coordinated ornaments that match every other Christmas decoration in the house. And why do we do all of this? To have the perfect Christmas! Everything else in our lives should be perfect as well. There’s no room for heartache on Christmas. If the Joneses are having a great and over the top Christmas then I should be too. Those are the expectations we've set for ourselves.

 

So how do we get back to what’s important? How do we take the pressure off of ourselves to not be like everyone else? How do we make this season hurt a little less when we are enduring so much heartache? I think for me it is to truly acknowledge that nothing is perfect and can be perfect. The word really shouldn't be in our vocabulary.

 

I pray that over the next week I place my focus on the manger. My hope is to have a grateful heart because even in the midst of this far from easy holiday, I still have countless blessings. First and foremost, I serve a God who sent His only son to this imperfect world to save me from my imperfections and the imperfections of this world. And that in and of itself is a lot to focus on and to be thankful for. So if you see me start to have a pity party this week  or try to over compensate and start planning the "perfect" Christmas dinner, make me re-read this post. Help me refocus if needed and send me back to the manger.  

 

Much love to you all and Merry Christmas! 

Hell on Earth

Today (or should I say yesterday and today since it is past midnight) I've wanted to do nothing but kick and scream. I am tired of this nightmare I'm living in. In a nutshell this has been what's going on.  My mother had a medical set back in late October. During her recovery, she filed for divorce from my father and moved out. At times this all feels like more than I can bare. I have so many questions but there are no answers. My mother continually shuts me out. This causes me great hurt. This hurt builds up and turns to anger so when we do talk it gets ugly. I take blame for the ugly part these days. However, imagine the hurt if your mother wouldn't even tell you where she lives or didn't even tell you she was filing for divorce. I know I have to learn new coping mechanisms. I've also been fighting for better treatment for her and my parents' marriage. I'm trying to stop fighting her battles. But then I listen to the despair in my fathers voice each day and it tears me a part. My mother and father have always adored each other.   Wow, just typing all of this brings me to tears. I cannot believe this is my life. My family life has spiraled out of control over the past two months. If you would have told me on October 19 that all of this would have happened I would have called you a liar. I use to talk to my mom daily about the most insignificant stuff like what I was having for dinner and now I have no clue what is going on. Everything about my mom has changed like the flick of a light switch. And nothing about this nightmare ever gets better. It only gets worse. That first week was easy street compared to the weeks that have followed. 

What's the point of sharing this? It certainly isn't to air my dirty laundry. In fact, I've been doing a lot of blogging but not publishing. I've been scared of the backlash. But you know what, this is what is happening in my life right now. This is my journey in life and that's what this blog is about. I pray that I look back a year from now and can't believe we went through all of this. I pray for healing all around. I pray this isn't the end to my parents' marriage. I pray we celebrate their 34 wedding anniversary next year. Most of all, I pray we survive this mess. My dependency on God has significantly increased and I am thankful for that. Because although my parents are not the same, the God I serve never changes.