I always thought I trusted God. Why would I not and how could I not? I recently I realized that was not the case.
After some encouraging from one friend and a good kick in the butt from another, I decided to start seeing a counselor the Friday before Mother's Day. It took a lot of swallowing of my pride to acknowledge I needed help dealing with my mother's breakdown and my parents' divorce. It was the best six hours and money I have ever spent. I’ve always been an advocate of counseling but after six sessions, I told my counselor that I would be happy to become the poster child for her. I knew it would help but I did not realize how it would drastically change the way my anxious mind saw the world. Since essentially I was recovering from a traumatic event, I participated in EMDR therapy. When my counselor starting talking about helping me think in a clear way, I thought oh no… she’s a quack. She thinks she can hypnotize this control freak….. That. Ain’t. Happening. Well I was happy to learn that EMDR does not involve hypnotizing me. Basically EMDR uses things to stimulate the brain because research has proven over and over again that the brain heals quicker from a traumatic event when it is stimulated in a different way. The method used for me was I held little vibrators that buzzed back and forth in my hands…. It sounds hilarious. I realize this. I use to tell my friends I was off to hold my vibrators. But kid you not, this stuff works. In six short sessions, I became a new and improved Amy. Does what happened still hurt? Heck yes! But the anxiety that was crippling me is gone. I went from not sleeping and not being able to concentrate to sleeping like a baby and becoming my focused ole self.
It was during one of my therapy sessions that I realized my trust in God was not as grand as I once thought. All I could think about was all the unknowns. Will mom and I ever have a healthy relationship again? Will dad be ok? What’s dad’s future going to look like? What’s my future going to look like? These thoughts and my anxiety consumed every ounce of me. I finally realized in order to have peace back in my life, I had to increase my trust in God. And turn it over to Him to make it right again. It was like during the midst of this tragedy I forgot what kind of God I served. I serve the God that no matter what has all the unknowns taken care of. No matter how ugly or hurtful everything was at times, that He would see me through. In the end everything would be ok. There is no greater source of comfort or peace. The God of the universe has it all under HIS control.
July 2 Jesus Calling
Disciple your thoughts to trust Me as I work My ways in your life. Pray about everything and then leave the outcome to Me. Do not fear My will, for through it I accomplished what is best for you. Take a deep breath and dive into the depths of my absolute trust.
July 5 Jesus Calling
Whenever you start to feel anxious, remind yourself that your security rests in Me alone, and I am totally trustworthy. You will never be in control of your life circumstances, but you can relax and trust in My control. Instead of thriving for a predictable, safe lifestyle, seek to know Me in greater depth.