The Roller Coaster Continues

This roller coaster that I’m on has more twist and turns, highs and lows than any other imaginable. I wish the stupid ride would just stop. I’ve grown a lot through the highs and lows. A lot of great stuff has happened lately but there are moments when the lows try to trump all the good. Take two weeks ago for instance. It had been a great week both professionally and personally. Then I receive a text from home in Alabama and it does something to me. I know I need to just let it go and push those feelings aside but as I am thinking this I am calling that number. The next thing I know, I am in a fit of range. Words and her actions have attacked my core once again and I’m attacking back. I’m spewing out words, crying hysterically and snorting up snot all the while, I am frantically walking through my house getting ready to host an executive committee meeting. Sadly this is not the first time this has happened. I think I’ve mastered the act of “getting it together” after a meltdown and before an important event. That’s the funny part. I can be poised and pleasant around everyone in the entire world except this one person. She knows where to go and she goes for it. I on the other hand, know how to conduct myself and know what I am supposed to do but no matter what the worst in me comes out. How can someone bring out the absolute worst about you? You see I know all the right things to say not just to people but also about my walk with Christ. Let’s be really real…. sometimes Christians just pick up the lingo without picking up the real meaning of our words. I really have done a lot of growing the last few weeks and truly felt some of those right things to say. I’ve made tremendous strides. I really am thankful for the heartache because of the growth I’ve experienced. I place a high value on my greater dependence on God. Yet, I can say and feel that but I spew words like I am Satan himself and I’m not brining any glory to God during these moments. How do I make it stop? Should I just stop talking to my mom? Yes, I said my mom. I don’t understand how the woman that gave me life can bring out the worst in me. I never imagined the hurt she would cause and the anger that would explode within me. How do I stop this nasty cycle? The only way I see is to stop talking to her a while. But when is that deemed suitable? The most peace I’ve experienced is when I am not in contact with her. I know what light this puts me in. However, I just want to be real. Life cannot always be seen through rose colored glasses and sometimes we can’t even pretend. As much as I would like to say that now I get it. Now I have a plan. Now I can hold myself together. I don’t get it. I don’t have a plan. And as much as I would like to hold myself together, my track record is not promising. I don’t have an important message in all of this except for the acknowledgement that I do not have it all together. I am not always that girl you see at the boardroom table. And my not so proud moments give me another reason to be thankful for God’s grace and mercy. Without it I would just be the girl that knows all the right things to say and feel but would have no one to wipe me clean when I fall into the dirty pit of despair.

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