Today (or should I say yesterday and today since it is past midnight) I've wanted to do nothing but kick and scream. I am tired of this nightmare I'm living in. In a nutshell this has been what's going on. My mother had a medical set back in late October. During her recovery, she filed for divorce from my father and moved out. At times this all feels like more than I can bare. I have so many questions but there are no answers. My mother continually shuts me out. This causes me great hurt. This hurt builds up and turns to anger so when we do talk it gets ugly. I take blame for the ugly part these days. However, imagine the hurt if your mother wouldn't even tell you where she lives or didn't even tell you she was filing for divorce. I know I have to learn new coping mechanisms. I've also been fighting for better treatment for her and my parents' marriage. I'm trying to stop fighting her battles. But then I listen to the despair in my fathers voice each day and it tears me a part. My mother and father have always adored each other. Wow, just typing all of this brings me to tears. I cannot believe this is my life. My family life has spiraled out of control over the past two months. If you would have told me on October 19 that all of this would have happened I would have called you a liar. I use to talk to my mom daily about the most insignificant stuff like what I was having for dinner and now I have no clue what is going on. Everything about my mom has changed like the flick of a light switch. And nothing about this nightmare ever gets better. It only gets worse. That first week was easy street compared to the weeks that have followed.
What's the point of sharing this? It certainly isn't to air my dirty laundry. In fact, I've been doing a lot of blogging but not publishing. I've been scared of the backlash. But you know what, this is what is happening in my life right now. This is my journey in life and that's what this blog is about. I pray that I look back a year from now and can't believe we went through all of this. I pray for healing all around. I pray this isn't the end to my parents' marriage. I pray we celebrate their 34 wedding anniversary next year. Most of all, I pray we survive this mess. My dependency on God has significantly increased and I am thankful for that. Because although my parents are not the same, the God I serve never changes.
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